Turning

October 16, 2021 by

I’m turning a corner
What does that mean?
I don’t know

What’s next?
I don’t know

What now?
I trust

For the last few months things have been shifting. How? I can’t tell you. Some of it has been inner work as I release, at a deeper level, some of what I took on as a child and throughout my life that does not serve me. Hurts, self-doubt, fear of being seen, not believing I matter….all resurfacing so I can more consciously say, “I forgive myself and others. I let go. I just am.”

I’m learning to live in liminal space, the time between the ‘what was’ and the ‘next’.
I’m practicing becoming self aware vs self obsessed. Noticing the mental chatter, the mind busy planning, reacting, telling my story yet again. I then consciously breath and focus on doing whatever it is I’m doing. What’s my body feeling? Breath. Really see the carrot I’m cutting or the weeds I’m pulling. Breath. Feel whatever emotion arises but don’t start telling a story about it. Breath. And Life continues to unfold in me and around me.

Simply experiencing what is brings peace. I’m beginning to trust. I pay attention to the little surprises and notice how things work out in ways I couldn’t possibly expect (another blog). I continue to practice.

Filed Under: Choice, Heart's wisdom, Life, Presence Tagged With: ,

The Inconsistent Me

August 4, 2021 by

I am many things
the contemplative seeking meaning
the nature lover needing grass under my feet
the one who loves to go to museums
the wild bare foot dancer i

I love to be waited on
I’m independent
I’m a loner
I love being with you

I recycle except when I don’t
I don’t kill, except when I do
I don’t poison the earth, much
I reuse, donate, repurpose and trash things

I believe love is the answer
but some people/things irritate me
I’ve past wounds, biases, insecurities
I’m learning to love myself
I am many things

Today I’m just sitting with all that I am. I’m finally getting I’m not going to save the world, at least not today. I’m humbled. Maybe I just need to learn to live in harmony with myself, all of myself. And then refocus …I AM here in this moment. I know what to do in this moment. I am love. There is beauty all around me. The gift is this moment.

Filed Under: authenticity, Life, Love, Presence

The Gift

May 26, 2021 by 
The curtains part 
And, for a moment,
I get to fly
To feel the sun
Touch another's face
Know the precious freedom
of being here

(Poem written in response to the prompt “curtains,” by Kathy Jacobs.)

I’ve been fascinated with the emerging cicadas this week. At first, when I saw only one, started to wonder if it was lonely. Then slowly there were more, and finally lots more. I knew soon it would be cacophony of sound and then, after mating they would die.

There more I contemplated what was happening, it seemed they were here to mirror our own journey. The limitations and the possibilities. With cicadas, I can step back and see the whole story. So it is with reverence I think I’ll be writing more about cicadas.

In the meantime, can you find your own mirror in nature…something you can see the cycle of? Can you consider learning from that which we declare less than us?

Filed Under: Creating with others, Oneness, Presence Tagged With:

PEACE

December 25, 2020 by

I’m not who you want me to be
not your expectations of woman
not your ideal daughter
Not behaving the way you think I should
Not living in fear and self-judgment

I believe what I do
I feel what I feel
I let go of my stories, they’re history
I’m going to stop being embarrassed
because I’m happy and you aren’t

I’m accepting my body as it is
my sexuality and desires as they are
Being right here, right now
is taking on new meaning
because it’s true, I AM

This year has been about letting go of what I’m not. Of letting fall away what is not mine to have. It’s been about being at peace in the middle of chaos, anger, distortions and the fear all around us. It’s been about learning to not blame anything outside of me for what I’m feeling inside.

These changes have been unfolding all year. They are the precious gifts given to me this year.
So this Christmas, I’m choosing peace. acceptance of what is, faith in what I cannot know, trust in mySelf and most importantly trust in this Divine Love, Intelligence, Presence that surrounds me.

I wish for all of you Peace and Happiness. Merry Christmas!

Filed Under: authenticity, Heart's wisdom, Love, Presence Tagged With: , ,

A Prayer

November 5, 2020 by

To have presence of mind
The keen awareness of what is
without prejudice, distortion or fear
So right action can emerge
Light showing the way

(Poem originally published in Chalkboard in response to Bindu Lamba’s Chalkboard prompt “presence”.)

In today’s maelstrom of politics and COVID, I keep reminding myself to avoid drama, judgmental accusations and “worse case” scenarios. To stay present in my heart-mind, listening for the higher truth trying to come through. To be content with not knowing and to act in service of the higher good. This is my goal and and my prayer.

Filed Under: Heart's wisdom, Presence, We are creators Tagged With: ,

Love

June 27, 2019 by

What is love?
A feeling of the heart
not between your legs
not “happy head” between your ears

Love just is
a spacious embrace
of the other

You can love everyone
but not want to live with them
not want to hang out with them
not really be able to understand them

Love does not require
understanding, does not
have to make sense

Love baffles the ego
it defies the rules we’ve learned
it goes beyond “tit for tat” and all
sense of who deserves it, who’s enough

Maybe….

Love just is, a Divine gift
embracing us, connecting us
to the Mystery of Life

Filed Under: Heart's wisdom, Life, Love, Presence, We are creators

Illusion Confusion

June 3, 2019 by

What am I trusting?
overwhelmed with images
words that divide,
categorize, demean

pulling out of my own
dysfunction
what do i trust
whom do i trust

the world is filled with
pain, alienation, hunger
for not just food but
love, acceptance

looking out, looking in
emotional tornadoes
swirling dust
blocking vision

Only now, writing
do I remember
Focus on what is true
One Life, One Love

And know that Love
brings us through
lifts us up and ALWAYS
guides us if we listen.

In my head, my mind can’t figure it all out. Reading/watching the news is disorienting at best, painful at worst. The chaos, the push toward separation, excluding “the other”, blame, anger, racism, sexism, and more “isms” than I can learn. The suffering of those surviving floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, children at borders, that face of the woman hunched in the doorway lost, scared, hopeless…

Overwhelmed, my mind stops functioning. Fear starts to rise. My ego “i” can’t handle it.
I’m reminded I have to stop, go in and listen for that still, small Voice. The voice of God, Divine Intelligence, the Universe, unconditional love, Christ… I need to remember what is most important and trust it will lead me to right action. Trust….such a small word, such a huge shift in being.

Filed Under: Choice, Fear or Courage, Presence Tagged With: , ,

The Trip Within the Trip

March 29, 2019 by

The psychic said I was ANGRY
I said I wasn’t
I hate it when I’m wrong

I said “driving” because we loved
to be on the road together.
I picked the hotel because it was
like the one we loved to stay at.

It’s his granddaughter’s wedding
He would have loved to be there
But he’s not….

Who am I angry at?
God? Joseph?
The fact is I still miss him so much
I can’t stand it sometimes.

Anger is not rational
Accepting it, accepting me,
accepting what is

I’m living my faith……
This too will pass
Keeping my heart open
Holding it all, even though

Sometimes it just hurts.

Enough said.

Filed Under: Emotion, Love, Presence Tagged With: , ,

Journey to the True Self

February 27, 2019 by

I’ve written before about a question that has haunted me since Joseph (my husband) and my daughter died: “Who Am I Now?”

Recently, at the end of a 7 week Meditation class, we were asked to tell others what gift they brought to the group. We were supposed to answer: “Thank you. I like hearing that.” I could get the “Thank You” out but choked on the “I like hearing that.” They gave me complements. They were saying I showed up and was sharing where I was. I was genuine. Why couldn’t I say that simple phrase? Why did I feel like I was an awkward teenager again?

On the way home it hit me!

As a kid, being myself was discouraged…you were supposed to fit in. I learned to lay low. Later, I made exceptions with my husband or with a close circle of trusted friends. With others, I hid behind my roles: consultant, caretaker…. My strength was in meeting the needs of others (individual, team or organization). It didn’t help, that as an Introvert, being around a lot of people spontaneously could be overwhelming. No time to think through/process my thoughts/feelings.

But now there’s just me, mostly retired. I’ve been choosing to focus on listening to what I’m experiencing. To honor whatever is happening. Can I stay with it and put it out there, even when imperfect and raw? Can I be me in this moment?

What hit me on the way home was by focusing on me, on being true to myself, I’ve left the safe ground of how I lived my life. I feel naked. Discombobulated. A vulnerable teenager again. I look to see if I’m fitting in…until I remember being true to myself is more important.

Living from this new place, I’ve questions. I see my inconsistencies, I see where my head knowledge hasn’t reached my heart knowing. It’s messy.

I’m inhabiting this new frontier with equal parts interest, disorientation, contentment and continued commitment to honor my true Self. And interestingly, I’m noticing that more often l love my life and I love being the only thing I can be….my Self.

“What was your job? It has been learning how to just follow my path.” from New Yorker’s Masha Gessen’s “Exit interview” with pioneering filmmaker and visual artist Barbara Hammer as she was dying from cancer.

Filed Under: Heart's wisdom, Presence

Now

January 24, 2019 by

Can a cup of coffee
be a meditation?
Can I be so present
with the warmth of the cup
or the roasted smell of beans
that I let my self go?
let my Self be in this moment?

Living off the mat,
off that formal time of
emptying, noticing,
observing.
Can I stay present?

Can I welcome
what comes
through me?
Be awake enough to notice,
see, hear, feel it?
Would such a simple life
drag me into a cave?

Or would I burst out
into the world ablaze
with love?

For the past year, I’ve been asking the question: “Who am I now?” Now, without my husband and without my daughter (both of whom passed recently). Who am I without the roles, the relationships, and the love I’d known.

Recently it came to me: I’m asking the wrong question!
I’ve been seeking another story about who I am in the world, one I can slip-into and live comfortably in. One that would define me and pull me in from floating in space.

But a friend suggested the question was not necessarily about a new story. That the meaning would shift if I focused on the “now” part. Who am I now?

She was right. “Now” it changes with each second of time. It is not a constant but a flow. It’s not about coming up with a new a story about me but an awakening to what is.

So I’m playing with new questions, What am I experiencing now?, What do I want to express now? What am I led to do now?

For one who taught strategic planning, this is a bit different. But it feels right…at least for now.


Filed Under: Life, Love, Oneness, Presence Tagged With: , , ,
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