I’ve written before about a question that has haunted me since Joseph (my husband) and my daughter died: “Who Am I Now?”
Recently, at the end of a 7 week Meditation class, we were asked to tell others what gift they brought to the group. We were supposed to answer: “Thank you. I like hearing that.” I could get the “Thank You” out but choked on the “I like hearing that.” They gave me complements. They were saying I showed up and was sharing where I was. I was genuine. Why couldn’t I say that simple phrase? Why did I feel like I was an awkward teenager again?
On the way home it hit me!
As a kid, being myself was discouraged…you were supposed to fit in. I learned to lay low. Later, I made exceptions with my husband or with a close circle of trusted friends. With others, I hid behind my roles: consultant, caretaker…. My strength was in meeting the needs of others (individual, team or organization). It didn’t help, that as an Introvert, being around a lot of people spontaneously could be overwhelming. No time to think through/process my thoughts/feelings.
But now there’s just me, mostly retired. I’ve been choosing to focus on listening to what I’m experiencing. To honor whatever is happening. Can I stay with it and put it out there, even when imperfect and raw? Can I be me in this moment?
What hit me on the way home was by focusing on me, on being true to myself, I’ve left the safe ground of how I lived my life. I feel naked. Discombobulated. A vulnerable teenager again. I look to see if I’m fitting in…until I remember being true to myself is more important.
Living from this new place, I’ve questions. I see my inconsistencies, I see where my head knowledge hasn’t reached my heart knowing. It’s messy.
I’m inhabiting this new frontier with equal parts interest, disorientation, contentment and continued commitment to honor my true Self. And interestingly, I’m noticing that more often l love my life and I love being the only thing I can be….my Self.
“What was your job? It has been learning how to just follow my path.” from New Yorker’s Masha Gessen’s “Exit interview” with pioneering filmmaker and visual artist Barbara Hammer as she was dying from cancer.
My true self is in Jesus Christ, my Creator and Savior. He has given me the talents and abilities i have. He has a plan for my life and will get me to the final place in His time and His way. When I was in high school we had to pick a quotation that illustrates our philosophy. I couldn’t think of one. Then I found this: ” God writes straight with crooked lines.” That definitely exemplifies my atypical life. But I know I’m on the way and that gives me security and an inner peace that only He can give even though I don’t always manifest it and I still have a lot of growing and healing to go through.
I too found my true self in loving Christ. My favorite quote in the Bible is: Father, forgive them for they know not what they do. I work daily on forgiveness and compassion. Christ has shown me over and over again how to love my own soul and how to love others. It is a lifetime journey for me.
I definitely identify w/your feeling like a teenager. Since 2009 that’s me for sure. I even have had a few pimples show up. The “growing pains” are now arthritis.
I go back and forth from focusing on now and memories, lessons, loves from the past. I’m the same as I used to be and different, too. I’m up and down. At times I laugh at human behavior. We are basically funny beings doing our best.
It could be fun being true to myself. I’m finding it much more fun than when I wasn’t.
Wouldn’t it be great to celebrate “messiness”? I may give it a go. Want to join me? 🙂
Thank you for being so raw and open and fierce and fearless in your sharing your writing. Most of all thank you for your honesty and ESSENCE. By seeing your shadow in your picture I remember your physical beauty, the remark Joseph said when he was a year from passing: I like waking up with her. She still feels the same. The main thing I experience when seeing your shadow picture is the absence of your beautiful and magnificent spirit which is ever-present and naked to the eye. Now that is a way to be naked if you are going to feel naked. I am laughing at my inconsistencies and obvious conflicts within myself in a fun-loving amused way. How can I be both ends of the rainbow without having the curve in the middle? I love you, Barbara Sliter.