-- a journey into awareness
The sadness comes unbidden
Followed by anger flowing
Back into the abyss of sadness
Why is love so hard
My heart wants to split open but
I stop it
Staying caught in the cycle
Trying to stay in control
Will I ever learn?
Letting go, letting the tears come, feeling the losses, letting the world be as crazy as it is…. Keening is what I want to do but I don’t know how.
So, I let myself feel. Being in the moment can be hard sometimes.
I write this and wait…breathing, until it changes.
“Nobility, in the Buddhist sense, means releasing ourselves from the social constructs that blind us to the truth, positioning ourselves to receive the truth, accept the truth, and learn to live equanimously with the truth.” *
Releasing each thread that binds
leaving less mass, less…
until there is just me and what I see
what my hands feel
the sounds and smells around me.
Less anchored but more connected
Is it enough? Or maybe, is it all there is?
Things in my life are beginning to shift. Four years 5 months after losing Joseph, something is opening up and, somethings are dropping away. I’ve yet to refill my bookcases after moving my office into what was Joseph’s…I step around the many boxes of books in the dining room, not sure what to carry forward. I like the empty shelves. It’s as if they’re waiting for something, as if they are enjoying the space.
Well, if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that I can’t force or rush what wants to happen. And for the first time, I’m at peace with it.
………………..
* “Buddhism as a Path of Trauma Resilience for Anti-Racism Activists,” editors’ introduction to Black & Buddhist: What Buddhism Can Teach Us about Race, Resilience, Transformation and Freedom, ed. Pamela Ayo Yetunde and Cheryl A. Giles (Shambhala: 2020), 2, 3. from Richard Rohr’s Daily Meditation, 11/9/21
I’m turning a corner
What does that mean?
I don’t know
What’s next?
I don’t know
What now?
I trust
For the last few months things have been shifting. How? I can’t tell you. Some of it has been inner work as I release, at a deeper level, some of what I took on as a child and throughout my life that does not serve me. Hurts, self-doubt, fear of being seen, not believing I matter….all resurfacing so I can more consciously say, “I forgive myself and others. I let go. I just am.”
I’m learning to live in liminal space, the time between the ‘what was’ and the ‘next’.
I’m practicing becoming self aware vs self obsessed. Noticing the mental chatter, the mind busy planning, reacting, telling my story yet again. I then consciously breath and focus on doing whatever it is I’m doing. What’s my body feeling? Breath. Really see the carrot I’m cutting or the weeds I’m pulling. Breath. Feel whatever emotion arises but don’t start telling a story about it. Breath. And Life continues to unfold in me and around me.
Simply experiencing what is brings peace. I’m beginning to trust. I pay attention to the little surprises and notice how things work out in ways I couldn’t possibly expect (another blog). I continue to practice.
I am many things
the contemplative seeking meaning
the nature lover needing grass under my feet
the one who loves to go to museums
the wild bare foot dancer i
I love to be waited on
I’m independent
I’m a loner
I love being with you
I recycle except when I don’t
I don’t kill, except when I do
I don’t poison the earth, much
I reuse, donate, repurpose and trash things
I believe love is the answer
but some people/things irritate me
I’ve past wounds, biases, insecurities
I’m learning to love myself
I am many things
Today I’m just sitting with all that I am. I’m finally getting I’m not going to save the world, at least not today. I’m humbled. Maybe I just need to learn to live in harmony with myself, all of myself. And then refocus …I AM here in this moment. I know what to do in this moment. I am love. There is beauty all around me. The gift is this moment.
The curtains part And, for a moment, I get to fly To feel the sun Touch another's face Know the precious freedom of being here
(Poem written in response to the prompt “curtains,” by Kathy Jacobs.)
I’ve been fascinated with the emerging cicadas this week. At first, when I saw only one, started to wonder if it was lonely. Then slowly there were more, and finally lots more. I knew soon it would be cacophony of sound and then, after mating they would die.
There more I contemplated what was happening, it seemed they were here to mirror our own journey. The limitations and the possibilities. With cicadas, I can step back and see the whole story. So it is with reverence I think I’ll be writing more about cicadas.
In the meantime, can you find your own mirror in nature…something you can see the cycle of? Can you consider learning from that which we declare less than us?
I’m not who you want me to be
not your expectations of woman
not your ideal daughter
Not behaving the way you think I should
Not living in fear and self-judgment
I believe what I do
I feel what I feel
I let go of my stories, they’re history
I’m going to stop being embarrassed
because I’m happy and you aren’t
I’m accepting my body as it is
my sexuality and desires as they are
Being right here, right now
is taking on new meaning
because it’s true, I AM
This year has been about letting go of what I’m not. Of letting fall away what is not mine to have. It’s been about being at peace in the middle of chaos, anger, distortions and the fear all around us. It’s been about learning to not blame anything outside of me for what I’m feeling inside.
These changes have been unfolding all year. They are the precious gifts given to me this year.
So this Christmas, I’m choosing peace. acceptance of what is, faith in what I cannot know, trust in mySelf and most importantly trust in this Divine Love, Intelligence, Presence that surrounds me.
I wish for all of you Peace and Happiness. Merry Christmas!
To have presence of mind
The keen awareness of what is
without prejudice, distortion or fear
So right action can emerge
Light showing the way
(Poem originally published in Chalkboard in response to Bindu Lamba’s Chalkboard prompt “presence”.)
In today’s maelstrom of politics and COVID, I keep reminding myself to avoid drama, judgmental accusations and “worse case” scenarios. To stay present in my heart-mind, listening for the higher truth trying to come through. To be content with not knowing and to act in service of the higher good. This is my goal and and my prayer.
What is love?
A feeling of the heart
not between your legs
not “happy head” between your ears
Love just is
a spacious embrace
of the other
You can love everyone
but not want to live with them
not want to hang out with them
not really be able to understand them
Love does not require
understanding, does not
have to make sense
Love baffles the ego
it defies the rules we’ve learned
it goes beyond “tit for tat” and all
sense of who deserves it, who’s enough
Maybe….
Love just is, a Divine gift
embracing us, connecting us
to the Mystery of Life
What am I trusting?
overwhelmed with images
words that divide,
categorize, demean
pulling out of my own
dysfunction
what do i trust
whom do i trust
the world is filled with
pain, alienation, hunger
for not just food but
love, acceptance
looking out, looking in
emotional tornadoes
swirling dust
blocking vision
Only now, writing
do I remember
Focus on what is true
One Life, One Love
And know that Love
brings us through
lifts us up and ALWAYS
guides us if we listen.
In my head, my mind can’t figure it all out. Reading/watching the news is disorienting at best, painful at worst. The chaos, the push toward separation, excluding “the other”, blame, anger, racism, sexism, and more “isms” than I can learn. The suffering of those surviving floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, children at borders, that face of the woman hunched in the doorway lost, scared, hopeless…
Overwhelmed, my mind stops functioning. Fear starts to rise. My ego “i” can’t handle it.
I’m reminded I have to stop, go in and listen for that still, small Voice. The voice of God, Divine Intelligence, the Universe, unconditional love, Christ… I need to remember what is most important and trust it will lead me to right action. Trust….such a small word, such a huge shift in being.
The psychic said I was ANGRY
I said I wasn’t
I hate it when I’m wrong
I said “driving” because we loved
to be on the road together.
I picked the hotel because it was
like the one we loved to stay at.
It’s his granddaughter’s wedding
He would have loved to be there
But he’s not….
Who am I angry at?
God? Joseph?
The fact is I still miss him so much
I can’t stand it sometimes.
Anger is not rational
Accepting it, accepting me,
accepting what is
I’m living my faith……
This too will pass
Keeping my heart open
Holding it all, even though
Sometimes it just hurts.
Enough said.