-- a journey into awareness
I hit a space
where I feel alone
lost, cutoff.
I’m not of course.
Friends reach out
with care and food.
So where does
vulnerability
come from?
Did I over identify
with “us”?
Did “me” get lost?
Filling out the all
the paperwork
scares me.
It never used to.
Did I think he was a
talisman for me?
My mind searches
for an explanation,
even though I know
it’s only with time that
a new way of life
will be born.
Overeating
Stuffing emotions
Classic case.
What am I avoiding?
The “I don’t know
what to do now?”
Packing up his clothes
Some say it is too fast
Are there rules to grieving?
Are there rules to what
a loving spouse does
or doesn’t do? How fast?
Not ready for crowds
Not ready to start
anything new, so
evenings are way too open.
Maybe that’s what the
food is trying to fill.
If everything of his was gone,
he’d still be here, curled
in a warm spot in my heart.
Remembering this I will make
a list….my list, taking it
just one day at a time.
When a woman screams
during childbirth.
Does she need healing?
Her life has certainly
changed forever, in ways
beyond imagination.
When a woman keens the
loss of a child,
Is it healing she needs?
Loss isn’t a wound
you put salve on
and the skin grows back.
Loss is a space
A void that pulls you
into a reordering of life
Without him, who am I?
How do I spend my time?
Who do I tell my secrets to?
The cycle of life forces us
to detach, to remember
our deeper truth
To reach up or in
To reconnect with the Love
that is not dependent on form.
Grief is a mini death that
brings us home to anchor,
to remember what’s important
Grief strips us,
and then connects us
to each other and to God
Last night it hit
the sobs came
in waves
A neighbor stopped
by with a card
and the dam broke
The card was for me
not him,
my life had changed
I loved him so much
we were both at peace
he was ready to go
Somehow I kept at bay
how sobs and cries echo
in a room when you’re alone
“Who should we call
in case of emergency”
I’ll get back with you on that.
Today I’m resting in the
now of my life. not knowing
the next step, knowing I’m
kin to all those before me
who stand alone, aware they
were left behind.
Different identities
They rise up
There’s the fearful one
The controller
The loyal wife
The caretaker
All reactive
Ego driven
The Observer
says “return to
Center, sit in silence,
Listen”
So who’s Dying here
Who’s letting go?
His life ebbs
But mine is torn
Stripped as
mini deaths
Force me to Truth
His life, God’s life
One life, our life
It directs us,
guides us
If we Listen
How to stay in that
Knowing that flow
Is this my lesson?
His gift to me
Even as he lies there
dying?
Hovering…
What can I do
to protect you?
I see suffering
My fault
I’m not enough.
God’s. Plan?
Lost the bigger
picture…it’s too
much to bear
Find Center
Find peace
Go to the silence
for solace
I feel fear
of what?
Failing.
Can’t understand him
How can I help?
Not in control
Done everything I
knew how to do
Not enough
I’m not enough
What learning
is there in this.
Keeps you humble
The nurse said
Not my strong suit.
Dealing with death brings all the feelings, beliefs, fears to the surface. I try to witness them. No need to console me…it’s already changed. I’ve moved to a new “now”.
Words always compromise the experience we’re having. But we try anyway.
What is being present: now, today? What is being aware, awake, fully alive? How do you experience it? What does all this mean in difficult times anyway?
TODAY’S THE DAY
Cheers erupt
in triumph.
Tears fall
in disappointment.
Fears hover in the
shadow of what’s to come.
But I feel a place
of stillness, just
Spacious Stillness.
From here I know
love in action.
From here I know
it’s only in our
wandering off
that we forget
we’re connected.
Mirrors for each other,
loved by the very Universe
we’re scared of.
Loved beyond our possessions,
successes, our failures.
Hell is not being crucified!
Jesus died in love,
connecting and forgiving.
He died showing us
how to live…
no matter what…
It’s all about the Love
you are, the Love that you can share.
the Love that’s beyond understanding.
Peace!
After my last post, I realized that I’ve still been waking up with a sadness weighing down on me. Perhaps it’s from bearing witness to the confusion, anger, and fear that fills the news and our consciousness.
Trying to sort it out, I sat down to meditate. I found myself doing something different. I asked Jesus, “Were You ever sad? I know you were angry, I know you were scared..but sad?”
The answer came: “My Mother was sad.” And, I felt her.
She knew sadness.
How pointless it all can seem.
How powerless we can be to stop it.
“They know not what they do”
The nurturing Divine Mother, who understands her children only too well.
Destroyers of life, beauty,
too busy,
Blinded by things,
Grasping for power,
Fearing loss, of
not being enough.
“They know not what they do”
Let our hearts break open! With nothing left to fear and everything to love, may we rest in the mystery and wholeness of life. Until then, we’ll push away, condemn, claim it’s not us, create artificial cracks in the wholeness of life. Until then–
“We know not what we do”
MOTHERS
birth mothers,
earth mothers
stepmothers
awkward roles assigned
archetypes embodied
stereotypes enacted
primal roots
patriarchy
tribal law
we carry bits & pieces
cluttering the present
with long forgotten fears
Maybe three years ago, Kelly decided she wanted to call me Mom. We agreed, but I had no idea what that would mean to me as time went on. That simple word turned out to make demands, stir fears I didn’t know I had, and trigger roles I didn’t know I would take on…
Nurturing Mother: As her disease progressed there were times she needed a nurturing mother, not a stepmother, not a friend. She wanted the “just hold me and make it all better” mother. The mother she needed when she was 3, 10 or 13 years old, but never had because of her birth mother’s illness. And worse, I couldn’t be that for her. I’m not a cuddler. I just learned how not to duck when a friend goes to kiss me. I can hug. But what I am wasn’t enough. I felt lacking in the deepest way. I’ve been working through my own sense of shame (I just figured out it is shame) that I wasn’t more in those times. It’s getting better.
Responsible/socializing Mother: And then there were those times I responded to “mom” by trying to socialize her (a little late in the game). She felt criticized, and she was. The unconditional love she needed was absent. On reflection what surfaced were primal fears of distant times when daughters who violated the tribal norms were stoned. Free spirits were not rewarded. It was dangerous. Mothers who failed were shamed.
Where did this deep compulsion, this tribal consciousness for conformity come from? My Mother’s version was “What will the neighbors think?”. How many generations has this fear been passed along, unconscious, under the guise of being a good mother? How did I not know?
Once seen I could shift and that surprised me as well. Awareness again brings freedom.
Mom: And then there were all the times when she was just my daughter, my heart open. 
It was clean, without old tapes. It was love. For these times, nothing much needs to be said. Actually, nothing much can be said. Those times just were. Love just is.
Life’s gifts: My time with Kelly was, and is, humbling. I saw how much I could give, but also how much I couldn’t. I was a doer. My caring could have a sharp edge. I’ve had to remind myself over and over, we’re all full of paradoxes and imperfections, and to not discount what I had to offer because of the things I couldn’t. I’ve had to learn to stop trying to fix me, so I could stop trying to fix everyone else. Self-Acceptance! Sounds so simple. I’m closer as a result of my time with Kelly: greater awareness and greater acceptance, even of what is unfinished….not bad.