Between

April 16, 2018 by

Words don’t comfort me
My sense of self is fading
My mind stalls
Fear of rejection,
need for approval
seep out in the confusion.

I know this is a test.
Giving up or standing
in the truth of who
I am beyond conditioning,
beyond the fears ,
beyond the comfortable.

Trust ….I never used to
Now I do but still…….
I’m restless
How hard can it be
to rewire a brain? a heart?
a life?

A period of dormancy – a seed waiting:
“It turns out that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grow into a hundred-year-old tree: there are only ways that work and ways that do not.

A seed knows how to wait. Most seeds wait for at least a year before starting to grow; a cherry seed can wait for a hundred years with no problem. What exactly each seed is waiting for is known only to that seed. Some unique trigger-combination of temperature-moisture-light and many other things is required to convince a seed to jump off the deep end and take its chance—to take its one and only chance to grow…

…When you are in the forest, for every tree that you see, there are at least a hundred more trees waiting in the soil, alive and fervently wishing to be…
from “Lab Girl “ by Hope Jehren

 

Thanks to Improvised Life for this reminder: https://www.improvisedlife.com/2016/06/13/the-secret-treasure-within-lab-girl/

Filed Under: Choice, Fear or Courage, Life, We are creators

Garage Door Windows or not?

February 26, 2018 by

Sometimes windows aren’t
just windows.
It’s the choice between
seeing out
vs. closing out
Feeling safe
vs. warding off prying eyes
Light
vs. dark.

Simple decisions sometimes aren’t.

Living unafraid
vs. being prudent
Going for it
vs. the right decision
Fear
vs. ……

Symbols reflect values.
Embracing life
rejoicing in the world as it is
seeing all of it…
Windows will win out.

Filed Under: Fear or Courage, Heart's wisdom, Intention, Life

5.5

November 13, 2017 by

I’ve no sense of time but I count the months
I deny the heaviness, I lie in bed.
What’s the point I ask myself,
my anchor is gone.

You start collecting “firsts”
First time you sign a card with your name only
The first big family celebration without him
The first Uber adventure I can’t share.

How hard the crust must be
for it to take so long,
the realization he’s gone
the space not to be filled.

How often I wanted to tell him
something I knew he’d get.
The endless decisions now
mine to make.

Going forward, being here now
(sorry Ram Dass) is all there is.
It always was but part of me
hadn’t yet been tested.

So will I stay “here” or run away?
tempting to zone out
to stuff the rage that creeps up…
to not have to learn to be
      …..me.

Epilogue: to all those who’ve gone from an “us” to a “me,” a virtual hug.

Filed Under: Choice, Fear or Courage, Life, Oneness

Dostadning*

October 14, 2017 by

Do I move his bike on or not?
Just one more thing to decide
keep, donate, sell…
Will I use it?
Could I use it?

Would someone enjoy it more?
Where’s the right place to donate it?
At what point does stuff become a burden
At what point is stuff just stuff that

I’ve been too lazy to go through
too afraid to be without
too concerned about where it goes?

If I was crushed by a meteor
would those behind curse me for
the mess they had to clean up?

It’s time to let things go
To not try to fill holes with stuff
To not let fear turn me into a hoarder
To trust in just enough
and to know what that is.

*  “In Swedish, the word is “dostadning” and it refers to the act of slowly and steadily decluttering as the years go by, ideally beginning in your fifties (or at any point in life) and going until the day you kick the bucket. The ultimate purpose of death cleaning is to minimize the amount of stuff, especially meaningless clutter, that you leave behind for others to deal with.”

Filed Under: Choice, Fear or Courage, Heart's wisdom, We are creators

The dark night of the soul-again

September 26, 2017 by

I ask for your forgiveness and for your prayers
I’m lost, angry, hurt, alone, judging, floating
More tears, more renting of clothes as I wonder
why, what’s the point….

Where does the knowing go?
This is the “life sucks” part –
we are blind to the hurt of others
we separate ourselves convinced

we are different
we deserve what we have, it’s not us
blaming, scapegoating, making fun of
thinking these are all acceptable behaviors

Self righteous we are appalled
at those that tweet their hates.
But then I remember the mirror
that life is, and I see

Edvard Munch, The Scream

I’m resenting that others have,
what I’ve lost. I want to scream at them!
And I know, this is being tormented by the devil,
so I ask for forgiveness and for your prayers.

I pray for the return of LOVE.

Filed Under: Emotion, Fear or Courage, We are creators

What goes in the “to go” bag?

September 9, 2017 by

If you have to flee
what do you take?
credit cards, cash?
clean underwear?

What if you can’t get
the cat in his carrier
could you leave him
and ever be at peace?

My things are scattered
tucked into files and drawers
in the basement and closets
sort of like me these days.

What goes in the “To go” bag?
Is it what you cherish,
what you need to survive?
your fears, hopes, dreams?

When things are gone,
when what’s taken
for granted like gas, electricity
food, goes missing

what are you left with?
People encountered
along the way,
shared experiences

and of course, yourself
without the trimmings
without the props you rely on.
What do you carry with you?

Filed Under: Emotion, Fear or Courage, Life

You keep getting surprised

August 20, 2017 by

You fear that your mourning will
be less interesting, even annoying
to those around you as time passes.
Even as the explosions in your heart
continue to erupt, the loss hitting harder.

“When someone you love dies, … you don’t lose him all at once; you lose him in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and his scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in his closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of him that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that he’s gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” adapted from “A Prayer for Owen Meany,” by John Irving

It feels true that you lose someone in pieces,
You see a river where you might have wandered with him,
just walking, hanging out together. And suddenly, you’re
pulled into a quicksand of sadness, sinking uncontrollably.
You have no idea how to be without him.

The realization surprises you.
How did you get so dependent?
or maybe, How did you get so comfortable?
so comfortable with how things were, until they weren’t, and
you’re roughly tossed into this broiling confusion: who are you now?

Filed Under: Emotion, Fear or Courage, Life, Love

The ring came off

August 11, 2017 by

Some wear it around their necks
Others shift it to their right hand
Some sell it for what they can get
Mine rests in a box with his.

I’m changing to my engagement ring,
a Star Sapphire, its star hidden
until placed in the Light.

A gentle reminder that love
never dies, that what’s
important is always there.

You just have to know where to look,
how to look, and of course always
be prepared to be surprised

The gift and challenge of loss
The ring came off.
The journey continues.

Filed Under: Choice, Emotion, Fear or Courage, Heart's wisdom, Life, Love

Old haunts and hauntings

August 2, 2017 by

I drive down 31E through Ky
into TN remembering the lush
farmlands, the quiet countryside,
and I feel him beside me.

I go to WPAF Base to reassure
myself that my military ID is still good.
I walk the aisles of the Commissary
and I feel him, hear his commentary.

The “Old Haunts” where we were
Just together, doing everyday things.
His presence, I feel it, and then
my mind reminds me that will change.

The memory will fade.
The feeling of him will dissipate
as if he’s merely a ghost haunting me.
Stop! I bring myself back into now.

I let him be here with me.
I give up trying to know, as least
for a nano second, what’s next.
I stop trying to make sense of it all.

Right now it is enough to
feel my love for him
from him
and let it be.

Filed Under: Creating with others, Emotion, Fear or Courage, Heart's wisdom, Life, Love, We are creators

Anger, etc.

June 13, 2017 by

So the anger comes
mixed with sadness,
numbing out the tears.

Stay strong, you can do
this, don’t show the world
the bleeding wounds of grief.

Overwhelmed by stuff,
finding the perfect place
to donate or give his things.

As if he would care.
How do you honor what
he put his life energy into?

How could he leave me?
I loved him so much.  But Death
takes no notice of such things.

This is the irrational time—
the feelings come, and I know
will go in their own time, but really

couldn’t they just leave now?

Filed Under: Emotion, Fear or Courage, Love
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