Life Musings — Page 14

Shame repressed

November 26, 2017 by Barbara

He had to go
for me to grow.
Sheltered by his love
Buoyed by his support

my own self doubt,
self hatred was repressed,
waiting to emerge
with a roar.

Puzzled by my pulling in,
my numbing out at night.
Feeling as if I didn’t want
to go on alone.

The self rejection had surfaced
muddying everything
I saw.

I didn’t feel worthy to be
held and comforted.
I didn’t feel worthy of God’s
love, of my own love.

I was the
seven year old
shamed
feeling lost and alone

and I got it!

Epilogue: I’d been getting the message from Joseph that I shouldn’t attache the love I felt for him, and from him, to him. That it was a reflection of the Divine Love we embody. My head understood the words, but my heart didn’t believe it. I prayed to understand.

I didn’t understand until I learned that what we repress waits for our attention and for release. The repressed shame was trying to get my attention. I saw where I was stuck (yes, a seven year old) and I could let it go. A feeling of peace I haven’t felt for months descended. I am blessed. I am thankful.

Filed Under: Creating with others, Emotion, Heart's wisdom, Life, Love, Oneness

5.5

November 13, 2017 by Barbara

I’ve no sense of time but I count the months
I deny the heaviness, I lie in bed.
What’s the point I ask myself,
my anchor is gone.

You start collecting “firsts”
First time you sign a card with your name only
The first big family celebration without him
The first Uber adventure I can’t share.

How hard the crust must be
for it to take so long,
the realization he’s gone
the space not to be filled.

How often I wanted to tell him
something I knew he’d get.
The endless decisions now
mine to make.

Going forward, being here now
(sorry Ram Dass) is all there is.
It always was but part of me
hadn’t yet been tested.

So will I stay “here” or run away?
tempting to zone out
to stuff the rage that creeps up…
to not have to learn to be
…..me.

Epilogue: to all those who’ve gone from an “us” to a “me,” a virtual hug.

Filed Under: Choice, Fear or Courage, Life, Oneness

Caving

October 27, 2017 by Barbara

Mammoth Cave, KY

I’m allowing myself to cave
seeking aloneness
avoiding groups.

Am I sinking into my own
personal nationalism? The
same that I critique countries for?

Build a wall keeping out?
or maybe keeping in
the energy that is so low.

Things are shifting: the change may be
minuscule. maybe seismic, but
definitely different.

I allow myself to not show up
promising, to myself, that this will not last.
Praying that the heavens will show the way out.

Epilogue
I know all things cycle: summer into fall into winter.
But I love spring and have to remind myself that pulling, in as in winter, is exactly what I need to be doing right now….and, it’s ok. To honor what I’m feeling, as the edges of a space seem to be opening up. I don’t know what it means but I don’t have to. It will do what it does.
Grieving has taught me, if nothing else, the process has its own rhythm, its own wisdom. My job, so hard and yet so easy, is to listen.

Filed Under: Heart's wisdom, Life, The Creating Process, We are creators Tagged With: cycles, energy, grief, nationalism

Dostadning*

October 14, 2017 by Barbara

Do I move his bike on or not?
Just one more thing to decide
keep, donate, sell…
Will I use it?
Could I use it?

Would someone enjoy it more?
Where’s the right place to donate it?
At what point does stuff become a burden
At what point is stuff just stuff that

from “Williams Treasure” by Dan Reeder

I’ve been too lazy to go through
too afraid to be without
too concerned about where it goes?

If I was crushed by a meteor
would those behind curse me for
the mess they had to clean up?

It’s time to let things go
To not try to fill holes with stuff
To not let fear turn me into a hoarder
To trust in just enough
and to know what that is.

* “In Swedish, the word is “dostadning” and it refers to the act of slowly and steadily decluttering as the years go by, ideally beginning in your fifties (or at any point in life) and going until the day you kick the bucket. The ultimate purpose of death cleaning is to minimize the amount of stuff, especially meaningless clutter, that you leave behind for others to deal with.”

Filed Under: Choice, Fear or Courage, Heart's wisdom, We are creators

Reading Headlines

October 11, 2017 by Barbara

A somber evolutionary thought.
When life becomes an Instagram opportunity,
or a chance to tweet a one liner,
our ability to hold complexity and interrelationship
diminishes in proportion to our need for publicity.

Diminishes with our seeking answers that fit with what
we believe we know to be true and worth defending.
So Creation appears to stall as we battle it out,
when maybe, it’s really weeding out the weak links.
And just maybe, right now, the human race is one.

But this should have a happy ending, an inspirational
cuddle to make us hopeful and feel safe.
But God allows nature to evolve, species that
can’t adapt to living in relationship and
diversity die out.

Plants, animals, amphibians are humble.
They play their role, dying so another can live.
Accepting what is, they find ways to co-exist,
and even to thrive off each other without destroying
the whole…..
We’ve got a lot to learn….Are you willing ?

Can we stay curious, let go of cherished beliefs?
Stand the ground of not knowing: break open?
Connect with those who see the opposite?
Trust a third way will emerge if we can let go of being right?
It’s then that the Joy of Life can move through us.”
The ultimate “happy ending.”

Filed Under: Choice, Creating with others, Life

The dark night of the soul-again

September 26, 2017 by Barbara

I ask for your forgiveness and for your prayers
I’m lost, angry, hurt, alone, judging, floating
More tears, more renting of clothes as I wonder
why, what’s the point….

Where does the knowing go?
This is the “life sucks” part –
we are blind to the hurt of others
we separate ourselves convinced

we are different
we deserve what we have, it’s not us
blaming, scapegoating, making fun of
thinking these are all acceptable behaviors

Self righteous we are appalled
at those that tweet their hates.
But then I remember the mirror
that life is, and I see

Edvard Munch, The Scream

I’m resenting that others have,
what I’ve lost. I want to scream at them!
And I know, this is being tormented by the devil,
so I ask for forgiveness and for your prayers.

I pray for the return of LOVE.

Filed Under: Emotion, Fear or Courage, We are creators

What goes in the “to go” bag?

September 9, 2017 by Barbara

If you have to flee
what do you take?
credit cards, cash?
clean underwear?

What if you can’t get
the cat in his carrier
could you leave him
and ever be at peace?

My things are scattered
tucked into files and drawers
in the basement and closets
sort of like me these days.

What goes in the “To go” bag?
Is it what you cherish,
what you need to survive?
your fears, hopes, dreams?

When things are gone,
when what’s taken
for granted like gas, electricity
food, goes missing

what are you left with?
People encountered
along the way,
shared experiences

and of course, yourself
without the trimmings
without the props you rely on.
What do you carry with you?

Filed Under: Emotion, Fear or Courage, Life

When treasures become unwanted stuff…

August 23, 2017 by Barbara

“It’s a sunk cost. Falling in love with what you have and reminding yourself of what it cost you is no help at all.” from Seth Godin’s “The market for used eclipse sunglasses”

I know I paid a lot for this
I love it but it’s time to move it on.
I can’t find a buyer for it!
How can that be?

We assume what we value
will always have a place,
our sense of order intertwined
with things staying the same.

But the the world’s fickle, and
even as we cling to the meaning and
worth we’ve assigned to our precious things
we find the world doesn’t share our assessment

leaving us a little bit disconcerted as we
realize our carefully constructed
world of what matters is just that
…ours LOL!

Filed Under: Life, We are creators

You keep getting surprised

August 20, 2017 by Barbara

You fear that your mourning will
be less interesting, even annoying
to those around you as time passes.
Even as the explosions in your heart
continue to erupt, the loss hitting harder.

“When someone you love dies, … you don’t lose him all at once; you lose him in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and his scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in his closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of him that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that he’s gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” adapted from “A Prayer for Owen Meany,” by John Irving

It feels true that you lose someone in pieces,
You see a river where you might have wandered with him,
just walking, hanging out together. And suddenly, you’re
pulled into a quicksand of sadness, sinking uncontrollably.
You have no idea how to be without him.

The realization surprises you.
How did you get so dependent?
or maybe, How did you get so comfortable?
so comfortable with how things were, until they weren’t, and
you’re roughly tossed into this broiling confusion: who are you now?