No longer used
his bookcase is gone.
Space waiting.
The futility of clinging.
Change
has happened.
“Peaceful Form” by Thomas A. Yano
Life’s flow
rearranges things…
Always creating anew.
The emerging Self
begins to surface.
Found treasure.
Emergence
May 2, 2018 by
Between
April 16, 2018 by
Words don’t comfort me
My sense of self is fading
My mind stalls
Fear of rejection,
need for approval
seep out in the confusion.
I know this is a test.
Giving up or standing
in the truth of who
I am beyond conditioning,
beyond the fears ,
beyond the comfortable.
Trust ….I never used to
Now I do but still…….
I’m restless
How hard can it be
to rewire a brain? a heart?
a life?
A period of dormancy – a seed waiting:
“It turns out that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grow into a hundred-year-old tree: there are only ways that work and ways that do not.
A seed knows how to wait. Most seeds wait for at least a year before starting to grow; a cherry seed can wait for a hundred years with no problem. What exactly each seed is waiting for is known only to that seed. Some unique trigger-combination of temperature-moisture-light and many other things is required to convince a seed to jump off the deep end and take its chance—to take its one and only chance to grow…
…When you are in the forest, for every tree that you see, there are at least a hundred more trees waiting in the soil, alive and fervently wishing to be…
from “Lab Girl “ by Hope Jehren
Thanks to Improvised Life for this reminder: https://www.improvisedlife.com/2016/06/13/the-secret-treasure-within-lab-girl/
“Love will find a way” from the Dancing Princesses musical.
January 16, 2018 by
My New Year resolution:
To choose each morning to
listen for Love’s guidance
To choose to remember
the Divine in all of us,
To remember that
God does not mess with us
Rather we just get lost :
Taking in the words of others
Replaying memories that bind
letting looming fears freeze us cold.
Making judgments and comparisons
separating ourselves from ourselves
and from others.
Instead I choose to remember:
God whispers in our hearts giving us the next step
Saying “what’s real is only what is here now”
released from the drama of the past
and the fears of what’s not yet happened
Joy hovers in the quiet space of now
Play your part, let the rest go
Trust Me
Love will find a way.
I feel this is a sacred time for me. As opposed to rushing in and filling my time, I’m allowing myself to go slowly. To listen to what I really want to do and to not do things just because I’m asked or they show up. In a way, the project I’m dedicated to is my own becoming. The major shifts in my life over the past 4 years have shaken things up. And I’m realizing what a gift that can be. To life: its beauty, complexity and possibilities!
Permission to Suffer
January 10, 2018 by
At night
I won’t let myself
feel the loneliness.
How much can you eat
or drink?
Not enough it turns out.
Time heals––not.
It’s letting yourself feel
what there is to feel.
But I don’t want to!
Not at night, not when
the emptiness overpowers.
I’m giving myself permission to suffer. If you resist what is, you suffer. But how much easier it can be to suffer then to accept what is. Especially the feelings; feeling lost, alone, disoriented, sad, scared….
It’s month #8 and the being alone in the evening, and on long drives, is even more intense. I don’t know what to do with myself.
I’ve gone back over my posts and they seem like variations on the same themes. How do you stay true to yourself, find yourself, just be with whatever is happening. Simple things are sometimes the hardest. And so it is with just letting yourself feel. Oh well,
I’m learning I can pay attention, but I can’t seem to make it all go away. Wait! wanting it to go away, that’s resistance isn’t it?
and the beat goes on…..
Living the mystery
December 22, 2017 by
“Scientists live in mystery every day of our lives … People are uncomfortable not knowing, not the scientists. I’m fine. We don’t know what it is. [We] keep checking it out.” astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson*
Living with not knowing
Not assuming what others think
or what their past has been
Not judging good or evil
Not comparing self to others.
Worries reveal themselves as imaginary
From the middle of disaster, compassion is shown
After cruelty, forgiveness cracks open hearts
Our wounds source our growth
Nothing is entirely as it seems.
Everything real is now
It’s going on in this moment
Act if you’re called, but don’t rest
keep checking, always
knowing you don’t.
*http://www.cnn.com/2017/12/20/us/neil-degrasse-tyson-ufos-new-day-cnntv/index.html
5.5
November 13, 2017 by
I’ve no sense of time but I count the months
I deny the heaviness, I lie in bed.
What’s the point I ask myself,
my anchor is gone.
You start collecting “firsts”
First time you sign a card with your name only
The first big family celebration without him
The first Uber adventure I can’t share.
How hard the crust must be
for it to take so long,
the realization he’s gone
the space not to be filled.
How often I wanted to tell him
something I knew he’d get.
The endless decisions now
mine to make.
Going forward, being here now
(sorry Ram Dass) is all there is.
It always was but part of me
hadn’t yet been tested.
So will I stay “here” or run away?
tempting to zone out
to stuff the rage that creeps up…
to not have to learn to be
…..me.
Epilogue: to all those who’ve gone from an “us” to a “me,” a virtual hug.
Dostadning*
October 14, 2017 by
Do I move his bike on or not?
Just one more thing to decide
keep, donate, sell…
Will I use it?
Could I use it?
Would someone enjoy it more?
Where’s the right place to donate it?
At what point does stuff become a burden
At what point is stuff just stuff that
I’ve been too lazy to go through
too afraid to be without
too concerned about where it goes?
If I was crushed by a meteor
would those behind curse me for
the mess they had to clean up?
It’s time to let things go
To not try to fill holes with stuff
To not let fear turn me into a hoarder
To trust in just enough
and to know what that is.
Reading Headlines
October 11, 2017 by
A somber evolutionary thought.
When life becomes an Instagram opportunity,
or a chance to tweet a one liner,
our ability to hold complexity and interrelationship
diminishes in proportion to our need for publicity.
Diminishes with our seeking answers that fit with what
we believe we know to be true and worth defending.
So Creation appears to stall as we battle it out,
when maybe, it’s really weeding out the weak links.
And just maybe, right now, the human race is one.
But this should have a happy ending, an inspirational
cuddle to make us hopeful and feel safe.
But God allows nature to evolve, species that
can’t adapt to living in relationship and
diversity die out.
Plants, animals, amphibians are humble.
They play their role, dying so another can live.
Accepting what is, they find ways to co-exist,
and even to thrive off each other without destroying
the whole…..
We’ve got a lot to learn….Are you willing ?
Can we stay curious, let go of cherished beliefs?
Stand the ground of not knowing: break open?
Connect with those who see the opposite?
Trust a third way will emerge if we can let go of being right?
It’s then that the Joy of Life can move through us.”
The ultimate “happy ending.”
The ring came off
August 11, 2017 by
Some wear it around their necks
Others shift it to their right hand
Some sell it for what they can get
Mine rests in a box with his.
I’m changing to my engagement ring,
a Star Sapphire, its star hidden
until placed in the Light.
A gentle reminder that love
never dies, that what’s
important is always there. 
You just have to know where to look,
how to look, and of course always
be prepared to be surprised
The gift and challenge of loss
The ring came off.
The journey continues.
Sugar High
June 16, 2017 by
Never walk
into Servati’s
eyeing their
generous wedge
of carrot cake
convincing yourself
it will last at least
three days.
Denial does not
stop the calories
from going to
your hips.
It does not numb
you out enough,
you still feel, yep
you still feel.
It did taste pretty
darn good though.
A small consolation
to be savored.