Old haunts and hauntings

August 2, 2017 by

I drive down 31E through Ky
into TN remembering the lush
farmlands, the quiet countryside,
and I feel him beside me.

I go to WPAF Base to reassure
myself that my military ID is still good.
I walk the aisles of the Commissary
and I feel him, hear his commentary.

The “Old Haunts” where we were
Just together, doing everyday things.
His presence, I feel it, and then
my mind reminds me that will change.

The memory will fade.
The feeling of him will dissipate
as if he’s merely a ghost haunting me.
Stop! I bring myself back into now.

I let him be here with me.
I give up trying to know, as least
for a nano second, what’s next.
I stop trying to make sense of it all.

Right now it is enough to
feel my love for him
from him
and let it be.

Filed Under: Creating with others, Emotion, Fear or Courage, Heart's wisdom, Life, Love, We are creators

Not Him

July 26, 2017 by

I was getting annoyed with my neighbor.
I’d invite him to visit ,
then get cynical/argumentative.
What was going on?

Another friend sat with me.
She listened as I put the question
out there…waiting.

The answer came,
“He’s not Joseph.”
The tears followed.

It wasn’t the Presence I knew
the Presence I expected
the Presence I so loved.

I keep discovering ways I miss him
Even as I feel him with me
go figure…
‘cause I can’t.

P.S. This isn’t about my neighbor whom I truly like. It’s just what happened.  I continue to allow the feelings to flow through me the best I can, trusting that it is as it should be. Being willing to see, to feel in the moment, even when it’s uncomfortable, embarrassing, is to me being here now. It allows me to release the thoughts/emotions so I can come closer to touching the silence within.  So be it.

Filed Under: Emotion, Heart's wisdom, Life, Love, We are creators

Magical thinking, stalling out

July 7, 2017 by

When I get stuck, writing helps me get in touch with those thoughts that lie just under the surface. It moves my energy to simply let the words come.

For the last few days, the push I’ve been feeling for weeks to gather up and get rid of some of Joseph’s things seemed to disappear.
I would sometimes wonder about the forcing function behind getting rid of things; what was going on when I gave away his exercise bike or clothes, or sold Joseph’s car,?  And then, when all of a sudden (so it seemed), the energy to do so stalled, what was this is about?

I do believe there’s something called “magical thinking.”  Something that happens when someone close to you dies and you can’t really process all that it means. It’s a phenomena that Joan Didion wrote so well about.  For me, I think the running out of steam had to do with these magical, under the surface, not necessarily rational, thoughts:

If I get rid of things, it will be over. — “it “being the loss; the wanting to know what or who’ll be left….
 If I don’t get rid of things, I won’t have to face it. — “it” being the vacuum; what feels like the looming need to rebuild my life….

I know both statements are wishful thinking.  I know “it” won’t be over and I know I’ll have to face whatever comes.  This morning I just cried.

But bringing to consciousness what was lurking in the background does shift my energy, at least for now. The feelings, challenges, unanswered questions remain.   But I trust the next steps will all unfold in their own time.  ☺️

Filed Under: Life, Love, We are creators Tagged With: ,

Death…of those we love

July 4, 2017 by

A number of books about death
have floated my way.
It may be the aging of baby boomers,
or it may be another coming out of the closet.

A culture that believes you can pull yourself
up by the boot straps,
buy yourself out of any situation…
finding out that Life has the last laugh.

Death will either crack you open
to the magic of each moment or
create scar tissue that
has no feeling.

Grieving is humbling
corralling you into the present
no where to go
a journey

you can’t control,
or even understand
simultaneously you’re numb and
more alive then you’ve ever been.

Filed Under: Emotion, Heart's wisdom, Love Tagged With: , ,

Sugar High

June 16, 2017 by

Never walk
into Servati’s
eyeing their
generous wedge

of carrot cake
convincing yourself
it will last at least
three days.

Denial does not
stop the calories
from going to
your hips.

It does not numb
you out enough,
you still feel, yep
you still feel.

It did taste pretty
darn good though.
A small consolation
to be savored.

Filed Under: Choice, Emotion, Life

Anger, etc.

June 13, 2017 by

So the anger comes
mixed with sadness,
numbing out the tears.

Stay strong, you can do
this, don’t show the world
the bleeding wounds of grief.

Overwhelmed by stuff,
finding the perfect place
to donate or give his things.

As if he would care.
How do you honor what
he put his life energy into?

How could he leave me?
I loved him so much.  But Death
takes no notice of such things.

This is the irrational time—
the feelings come, and I know
will go in their own time, but really

couldn’t they just leave now?

Filed Under: Emotion, Fear or Courage, Love

Change

June 6, 2017 by

I hit a space
where I feel alone
lost, cutoff.

I’m not of course.
Friends reach out
with care and food.

So where does
vulnerability
come from?

Did I over identify
with “us”?
Did “me” get lost?

Filling out the all
the paperwork
scares me.

It never used to.
Did I think he was a
talisman for me?

My mind searches
for an explanation,
even though I know

it’s only with time that
a new way of life
will be born.

Filed Under: Emotion, Fear or Courage, Life, Love, Systems

A Bump in the Road

June 2, 2017 by

Overeating
Stuffing emotions
Classic case.

What am I avoiding?
The “I don’t know
what to do now?”

Packing up his clothes
Some say it is too fast
Are there rules to grieving?

Are there rules to what
a loving spouse does
or doesn’t do? How fast?

Not ready for crowds
Not ready to start
anything new, so

evenings are way too open.
Maybe that’s what the
food is trying to fill.

If everything of his was gone,
he’d still be here, curled
in a warm spot in my heart.

Remembering this I will make
a list….my list, taking it
just one day at a time.

Filed Under: Emotion, Fear or Courage, Love, We are creators

The Flow of Life

June 1, 2017 by

Worms feed robins
Mice feed coyotes
Cattle feed humans

Everything gives
of itself to sustain life
Our bodies decay

and feed the earth
The air we exhale,
others breathe in

The dance of life
The sacred giving
and receiving

Stop the flow
and you are
out of step

You suddenly think
you are more important
then the field mice

This form will end.
The only thing that
lives on is our love

It flows on like a river
through everything,
until resting in the ocean

it evaporates
lifting into clouds, and
the dance starts again.

Filed Under: Heart's wisdom, Life, Love, Systems

Grief

May 29, 2017 by

When a woman screams
during childbirth.
Does she need healing?

Her life has certainly
changed forever, in ways
beyond imagination.

When a woman keens the
loss of a child,
Is it healing she needs?

Loss isn’t a wound
you put salve on
and the skin grows back.

Loss is a space
A void that pulls you
into a reordering of life

Without him, who am I?
How do I spend my time?
Who do I tell my secrets to?

The cycle of life forces us
to detach, to remember
our deeper truth

To reach up or in
To reconnect with the Love
that is not dependent on form.

Grief is a mini death that
brings us home to anchor,
to remember what’s important

Grief strips us,
and then connects us
to each other and to God

Filed Under: Fear or Courage, Heart's wisdom, Life, Love
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