Shame repressed

November 26, 2017 by

He had to go
for me to grow.
Sheltered by his love
Buoyed by his support

my own self doubt,
self hatred was repressed,
waiting to emerge
with a roar.

Puzzled by my pulling in,
my numbing out at night.
Feeling as if I didn’t want
to go on alone.

The self rejection had surfaced
muddying everything
I saw.

I didn’t feel worthy to be
held and comforted.
I didn’t feel worthy of God’s
love, of my own love.

I was the
seven year old
shamed
feeling lost and alone

and I got it!

Epilogue: I’d been getting the message from Joseph that I shouldn’t attache the love I felt for him, and from him, to him. That it was a reflection of the Divine Love we embody. My head understood the words, but my heart didn’t believe it. I prayed to understand.

I didn’t understand until I learned that what we repress waits for our attention and for release. The repressed shame was trying to get my attention.  I saw where I was stuck (yes, a seven year old) and I could let it go.  A feeling of peace I haven’t felt for months descended.  I am blessed. I am thankful.

Filed Under: Creating with others, Emotion, Heart's wisdom, Life, Love, Oneness

Caving

October 27, 2017 by

Mammoth Cave, KY

 

I’m allowing myself to cave
seeking aloneness
avoiding groups.

Am I sinking into my own
personal nationalism? The
same that I critique countries for?

Build a wall keeping out?
or maybe keeping in
the energy that is so low.

Things are shifting: the change may be
minuscule. maybe seismic, but
definitely different.

I allow myself to not show up
promising, to myself, that this will not last.
Praying that the heavens will show the way out.

 

Epilogue
I know all things cycle: summer into fall into winter.
But I love spring and have to remind myself that pulling, in as in winter, is exactly what I need to be doing right now….and, it’s ok. To honor what I’m feeling, as the edges of a space seem to be opening up. I don’t know what it means but I don’t have to. It will do what it does.
Grieving has taught me, if nothing else, the process has its own rhythm, its own wisdom. My job, so hard and yet so easy, is to listen.

Filed Under: Heart's wisdom, Life, The Creating Process, We are creators Tagged With: , , ,

Dostadning*

October 14, 2017 by

Do I move his bike on or not?
Just one more thing to decide
keep, donate, sell…
Will I use it?
Could I use it?

Would someone enjoy it more?
Where’s the right place to donate it?
At what point does stuff become a burden
At what point is stuff just stuff that

I’ve been too lazy to go through
too afraid to be without
too concerned about where it goes?

If I was crushed by a meteor
would those behind curse me for
the mess they had to clean up?

It’s time to let things go
To not try to fill holes with stuff
To not let fear turn me into a hoarder
To trust in just enough
and to know what that is.

*  “In Swedish, the word is “dostadning” and it refers to the act of slowly and steadily decluttering as the years go by, ideally beginning in your fifties (or at any point in life) and going until the day you kick the bucket. The ultimate purpose of death cleaning is to minimize the amount of stuff, especially meaningless clutter, that you leave behind for others to deal with.”

Filed Under: Choice, Fear or Courage, Heart's wisdom, We are creators

The ring came off

August 11, 2017 by

Some wear it around their necks
Others shift it to their right hand
Some sell it for what they can get
Mine rests in a box with his.

I’m changing to my engagement ring,
a Star Sapphire, its star hidden
until placed in the Light.

A gentle reminder that love
never dies, that what’s
important is always there.

You just have to know where to look,
how to look, and of course always
be prepared to be surprised

The gift and challenge of loss
The ring came off.
The journey continues.

Filed Under: Choice, Emotion, Fear or Courage, Heart's wisdom, Life, Love

Old haunts and hauntings

August 2, 2017 by

I drive down 31E through Ky
into TN remembering the lush
farmlands, the quiet countryside,
and I feel him beside me.

I go to WPAF Base to reassure
myself that my military ID is still good.
I walk the aisles of the Commissary
and I feel him, hear his commentary.

The “Old Haunts” where we were
Just together, doing everyday things.
His presence, I feel it, and then
my mind reminds me that will change.

The memory will fade.
The feeling of him will dissipate
as if he’s merely a ghost haunting me.
Stop! I bring myself back into now.

I let him be here with me.
I give up trying to know, as least
for a nano second, what’s next.
I stop trying to make sense of it all.

Right now it is enough to
feel my love for him
from him
and let it be.

Filed Under: Creating with others, Emotion, Fear or Courage, Heart's wisdom, Life, Love, We are creators

Not Him

July 26, 2017 by

I was getting annoyed with my neighbor.
I’d invite him to visit ,
then get cynical/argumentative.
What was going on?

Another friend sat with me.
She listened as I put the question
out there…waiting.

The answer came,
“He’s not Joseph.”
The tears followed.

It wasn’t the Presence I knew
the Presence I expected
the Presence I so loved.

I keep discovering ways I miss him
Even as I feel him with me
go figure…
‘cause I can’t.

P.S. This isn’t about my neighbor whom I truly like. It’s just what happened.  I continue to allow the feelings to flow through me the best I can, trusting that it is as it should be. Being willing to see, to feel in the moment, even when it’s uncomfortable, embarrassing, is to me being here now. It allows me to release the thoughts/emotions so I can come closer to touching the silence within.  So be it.

Filed Under: Emotion, Heart's wisdom, Life, Love, We are creators

Death…of those we love

July 4, 2017 by

A number of books about death
have floated my way.
It may be the aging of baby boomers,
or it may be another coming out of the closet.

A culture that believes you can pull yourself
up by the boot straps,
buy yourself out of any situation…
finding out that Life has the last laugh.

Death will either crack you open
to the magic of each moment or
create scar tissue that
has no feeling.

Grieving is humbling
corralling you into the present
no where to go
a journey

you can’t control,
or even understand
simultaneously you’re numb and
more alive then you’ve ever been.

Filed Under: Emotion, Heart's wisdom, Love Tagged With: , ,

The Flow of Life

June 1, 2017 by

Worms feed robins
Mice feed coyotes
Cattle feed humans

Everything gives
of itself to sustain life
Our bodies decay

and feed the earth
The air we exhale,
others breathe in

The dance of life
The sacred giving
and receiving

Stop the flow
and you are
out of step

You suddenly think
you are more important
then the field mice

This form will end.
The only thing that
lives on is our love

It flows on like a river
through everything,
until resting in the ocean

it evaporates
lifting into clouds, and
the dance starts again.

Filed Under: Heart's wisdom, Life, Love, Systems

Grief

May 29, 2017 by

When a woman screams
during childbirth.
Does she need healing?

Her life has certainly
changed forever, in ways
beyond imagination.

When a woman keens the
loss of a child,
Is it healing she needs?

Loss isn’t a wound
you put salve on
and the skin grows back.

Loss is a space
A void that pulls you
into a reordering of life

Without him, who am I?
How do I spend my time?
Who do I tell my secrets to?

The cycle of life forces us
to detach, to remember
our deeper truth

To reach up or in
To reconnect with the Love
that is not dependent on form.

Grief is a mini death that
brings us home to anchor,
to remember what’s important

Grief strips us,
and then connects us
to each other and to God

Filed Under: Fear or Courage, Heart's wisdom, Life, Love

Left Behind

May 27, 2017 by

Last night it hit
the sobs came
in waves

A neighbor stopped
by with a card
and the dam broke

The card was for me
not him,
my life had changed

I loved him so much
we were both at peace
he was ready to go

Somehow I kept at bay
how sobs and cries echo
in a room when you’re alone

“Who should we call
in case of emergency”
I’ll get back with you on that.

Today I’m resting in the
now of my life. not knowing
the next step, knowing I’m

kin to all those before me
who stand alone, aware they
were left behind.

Filed Under: Emotion, Fear or Courage, Heart's wisdom, Life, Love
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