At night
I won’t let myself
feel the loneliness.
How much can you eat
or drink?
Not enough it turns out.
Time heals––not.
It’s letting yourself feel
what there is to feel.
But I don’t want to!
Not at night, not when
the emptiness overpowers.
I’m giving myself permission to suffer. If you resist what is, you suffer. But how much easier it can be to suffer then to accept what is. Especially the feelings; feeling lost, alone, disoriented, sad, scared….
It’s month #8 and the being alone in the evening, and on long drives, is even more intense. I don’t know what to do with myself.
I’ve gone back over my posts and they seem like variations on the same themes. How do you stay true to yourself, find yourself, just be with whatever is happening. Simple things are sometimes the hardest. And so it is with just letting yourself feel. Oh well,
I’m learning I can pay attention, but I can’t seem to make it all go away. Wait! wanting it to go away, that’s resistance isn’t it?
and the beat goes on…..
There is a ?youtube of Joe Biden talking about loss, losing someone you love, and what he had to say made a lot of sense. He was keeping a diary of sorts, seeing the same feelings boil up and then abate; up, down; up, down. The same feelings kept recycling, but in time he realized that the peaks and valleys were spaced further apart. (He says it better.). And that is what I sense in your writing–all the very natural feelings, with their burdens of pain, loss, fear, sorrow–and no way out except to go through it.
A good cry can be part of healing… Have you seen the movie ‘Shadowlands?’
Sending love.
Thanks Elaine. I know…yet….
I haven’t seen the movie. I’ll see if I can get it at the library. (looked it up and it sounds good.)
Ah yes, night-time. That’s when everyone and every pet we’ve lost comes stealing in to be remembered, as if I might otherwise forget. Earlier this week I discovered that dear friends from my first marriage had died in 2015 so I’ve been grieving belatedly for them. Yesterday I found the sound machine I used to use, before exhaustion from mother-care made it unnecessary; also, for 8 years Timmy purred me to sleep. So I tried it last night with the setting on pattering rain. But nope. I, too, find it difficult to let it all in enough to roar through me and go to ground before turning my thoughts elsewhere. Sometimes, balancing with happy memories works. . . for example, breakfast and conversation with you and Joseph the last two times you stopped by here on your way back to Cincinnati. So precious. XOXO
Thanks Mary. I know you are dealing with your own losses. Knowing there are others helps but even knowing this, I know you’re in the middle, still experiencing it all. Hugs…
Hang in there. There is no easy way out. Sometimes you have to go through the pain, the loneliness – even though it is gut wrenching – to get to the other side of peace and acceptance. If you try to avoid it, it will pop up in unexpected moments and even be more disturbing. I know — I’ve been there more than once. Know I’m there to support you ALWAYS! I also know that the love Of Jesus Christ and being able to cry and grieve and pour my soul and feelings out to Him has been a major step in the healing process. Much love, May Ellen
Thank you Mary Ellen. I love you! And I appreciate your support and understanding.
I know you too have been through a lot. Hugs.
Life sucks. Then it doesn’t. You are the beacon for those of us who don’t always recognize the right signpost at the right time. You’re strong and soft in all the right proportions. Be you and all is well. So glad to know you.
I’m touched. Thank you Lauren.
Suffer means to allow. “Suffer the little children come to me”, said Jesus Christ when his protectors tried to keep them away. “Unless you become as these little children, you cannot enter the kingdom.” The kingdom being JOY. The children being present without expectations or resistance. When I am up in the middle of the night, I go to the kitchen and do laundry. Once the washer is going, I get back sound to sleep saying: My right arm is heavy and warm, my left arm is heavy and warm, my right leg is heavy and warm, my left leg is heavy and warm, cool forehead, warm eyes, my mind is clear, I am at peace. I repeat this until I fall deeply asleep. I wake up refreshed. Prior to lying down, I pray to God to heal me in my dream time and that I might wake up happy.
I have always found that the nighttime intensifies my fears and anxieties. I can only imagine what it’s like to experience that alone. But you continue to be a way-show-er, shining light on what many keep hidden about the human experience. You are sad and lonely AND brave and strong. May blessings of peace and comfort surround you, Barb.❤️
Thanks Debbie
One thought I had when my Dearest One died that was oddly comforting, was this: once I lose everything, nothing else can ever be this bad again. The worst has already happened to me. I still like that thought!
I’m sorry Joseph died, Barbara. I really liked him. I’m sorry you are suffering, especially at night, and on long drives, and all the other unpredicted and predicted times. Thanks for sharing what is going on with you.
Thanks for sharing how it was for you Claudia.
Clearly God is crafting you for unique and powerful work to come. Obviously, you are very much up for any such task. Your expression is exquisite and your understanding and insight seem boundless. Treasure these difficult moments as you will share them with wisdom and deep compassion soon enough. The recipient(s) will be richly blessed by you.
Thanks Michael.