“Love will find a way” from the Dancing Princesses musical.

My New Year resolution:

To choose each morning to
listen for Love’s guidance
To choose to remember
the Divine in all of us,
To remember that
God does not mess with us

Rather we just get lost :
Taking in the words of others
Replaying memories that bind
letting looming fears freeze us cold.
Making judgments and comparisons
separating ourselves from ourselves
and from others.

Instead I choose to remember:
God whispers in our hearts giving us the next step
Saying “what’s real is only what is here now”
released from the drama of the past
and the fears of what’s not yet happened
Joy hovers in the quiet space of now
Play your part, let the rest go
Trust Me
Love will find a way.

I feel this is a sacred time for me. As opposed to rushing in and filling my time, I’m allowing myself to go slowly. To listen to what I really want to do and to not do things just becasue I’m asked or they show up. In a way, the project I’m dedicated to is my own becoming. The major shifts in my life over the past 4 years have shaken things up. And I’m realizing what a gift that can be. To life: its beauty, complexity and possibilities!

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Permission to Suffer

At night
I won’t let myself
feel the loneliness.

How much can you eat
or drink?
Not enough it turns out.

Time heals––not.
It’s letting yourself feel
what there is to feel.

But I don’t want to!
Not at night, not when
the emptiness overpowers.

I’m giving myself permission to suffer. If you resist what is, you suffer. But how much easier it can be to suffer then to accept what is. Especially the feelings; feeling lost, alone, disoriented, sad, scared….
It’s month #8 and the being alone in the evening, and on long drives, is even more intense. I don’t know what to do with myself.

I’ve gone back over my posts and they seem like variations on the same themes. How do you stay true to yourself, find yourself, just be with whatever is happening. Simple things are sometimes the hardest. And so it is with just letting yourself feel. Oh well, I’m learning I can pay attention, but I can’t seem to make it all go away. Wait! wanting it to go away, that’s resistance isn’t it?
and the beat goes on…..

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L’Chaim

Peaking out at the new year
what will come?
what will leave?

Feeling the keys
under my fingers
typing
waiting for just the
next step.

Wishing for all of us
the ability to rest in our Center, in
the eye of any storm that comes.

I cannot stop the suffering, the
traumas, the hurts of others.
I can wish them peace.

I cannot stop the losses
the endings,
the changes that come.

I can wish us all the ability to
to know we are more than
what we thought we needed.

May we know the love and support
that surrounds us,
see the beauty in everything
Be open to the Grace that flows to us.

Here’s to the new year!
L’Chaim*

*To Life!

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Reconnecting

I was invited to join them for Christmas
but this family time feels too intimate
to barge in on. Yes, it’s me holding back.
Haven’t gotten my sea legs under me
to enter into new adventures with others.

Instead I’ll allow the quiet to surround me
Reconnect with myself
Find out what I do when I don’t have to do anything
Figure out how I can invite others in…
Yes…it’s time to reconnect with the one.

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Living the mystery

“Scientists live in mystery every day of our lives … People are uncomfortable not knowing, not the scientists. I’m fine. We don’t know what it is. [We] keep checking it out.” astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson*

Living with not knowing
Not assuming what others think
or what their past has been
Not judging good or evil
Not comparing self to others.

Worries reveal themselves as imaginary
From the middle of disaster, compassion is shown
After cruelty, forgiveness cracks open hearts
Our wounds source our growth
Nothing is entirely as it seems.

Everything real is now
It’s going on in this moment
Act if you’re called, but don’t rest
keep checking, always
knowing you don’t.

*http://www.cnn.com/2017/12/20/us/neil-degrasse-tyson-ufos-new-day-cnntv/index.html

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Shame repressed

He had to go
for me to grow.
Sheltered by his love
Buoyed by his support

my own self doubt,
self hatred was repressed,
waiting to emerge
with a roar.

Puzzled by my pulling in,
my numbing out at night.
Feeling as if I didn’t want
to go on alone.

The self rejection had surfaced
muddying everything
I saw.

I didn’t feel worthy to be
held and comforted.
I didn’t feel worthy of God’s
love, of my own love.

I was the
seven year old
shamed
feeling lost and alone

and I got it!

Epilogue: I’d been getting the message from Joseph that I shouldn’t attache the love I felt for him, and from him, to him. That it was a reflection of the Divine Love we embody. My head understood the words, but my heart didn’t believe it. I prayed to understand.

I didn’t understand until I learned that what we repress waits for our attention and for release. The repressed shame was trying to get my attention.  I saw where I was stuck (yes, a seven year old) and I could let it go.  A feeling of peace I haven’t felt for months descended.  I am blessed. I am thankful.

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5.5

I’ve no sense of time but I count the months
I deny the heaviness, I lie in bed.
What’s the point I ask myself,
my anchor is gone.

You start collecting “firsts”
First time you sign a card with your name only
The first big family celebration without him
The first Uber adventure I can’t share.

How hard the crust must be
for it to take so long,
the realization he’s gone
the space not to be filled.

How often I wanted to tell him
something I knew he’d get.
The endless decisions now
mine to make.

Going forward, being here now
(sorry Ram Dass) is all there is.
It always was but part of me
hadn’t yet been tested.

So will I stay “here” or run away?
tempting to zone out
to stuff the rage that creeps up…
to not have to learn to be
      …..me.

Epilogue: to all those who’ve gone from an “us” to a “me,” a virtual hug.

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Caving

Mammoth Cave, KY

 

I’m allowing myself to cave
seeking aloneness
avoiding groups.

Am I sinking into my own
personal nationalism? The
same that I critique countries for?

Build a wall keeping out?
or maybe keeping in
the energy that is so low.

Things are shifting: the change may be
minuscule. maybe seismic, but
definitely different.

I allow myself to not show up
promising, to myself, that this will not last.
Praying that the heavens will show the way out.

 

Epilogue
I know all things cycle: summer into fall into winter.
But I love spring and have to remind myself that pulling, in as in winter, is exactly what I need to be doing right now….and, it’s ok. To honor what I’m feeling, as the edges of a space seem to be opening up. I don’t know what it means but I don’t have to. It will do what it does.
Grieving has taught me, if nothing else, the process has its own rhythm, its own wisdom. My job, so hard and yet so easy, is to listen.

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Dostadning*

Do I move his bike on or not?
Just one more thing to decide
keep, donate, sell…
Will I use it?
Could I use it?

Would someone enjoy it more?
Where’s the right place to donate it?
At what point does stuff become a burden
At what point is stuff just stuff that

I’ve been too lazy to go through
too afraid to be without
too concerned about where it goes?

If I was crushed by a meteor
would those behind curse me for
the mess they had to clean up?

It’s time to let things go
To not try to fill holes with stuff
To not let fear turn me into a hoarder
To trust in just enough
and to know what that is.

“In Swedish, the word is “dostadning” and it refers to the act of slowly and steadily decluttering as the years go by, ideally beginning in your fifties (or at any point in life) and going until the day you kick the bucket. The ultimate purpose of death cleaning is to minimize the amount of stuff, especially meaningless clutter, that you leave behind for others to deal with.”

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Reading Headlines

A somber evolutionary thought.
When life becomes an Instagram opportunity,
or a chance to tweet a one liner,
our ability to hold complexity and interrelationship
diminishes in proportion to our need for publicity.

Diminishes with our seeking answers that fit with what
we believe we know to be true and worth defending.
So Creation appears to stall as we battle it out,
when maybe, it’s really weeding out the weak links.
And just maybe, right now, the human race is one.

But this should have a happy ending, an inspirational
cuddle to make us hopeful and feel safe.
But God allows nature to evolve, species that
can’t adapt to living in relationship and
diversity die out.

Plants, animals, amphibians are humble.
They play their role, dying so another can live.
Accepting what is, they find ways to co-exist,
and even to thrive off each other without destroying
the whole…..
We’ve got a lot to learn….Are you willing ?

Can we stay curious, let go of cherished beliefs?
Stand the ground of not knowing: break open?
Connect with those who see the opposite?
Trust a third way will emerge if we can let go of being right?
It’s then that the Joy of Life can move through us.
The ultimate  “happy ending.”

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